Thursday, August 18, 2011


I will be zombified and going after you and your dollar bills (oh my!) this evening on the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.

I figure I'll start around 7:30-ish in front of Monsoon (great restaurant at the northern most point of the Promenade) and making my way south until I just don't have it in me anymore ( 9 or 10).

Bring cameras and $$$, bitches! I'm serving up some zombie realness.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Holy shit, do I ever looove Arnica cream! If only I knew about it sooner. When I think about all the hours I spent with ice packs, trying in vain to stave off looking like a junkie in a sun dress...

Thursday, July 28, 2011



Last night, I did what could very likely be my last zombie street performance on the Santa Monica Promenade. I will still take special requests (if there's someone out there that would like to see me do this and possibly participate or at the very least take pictures/video) but it's just not worth the effort to do it solo.

I decided I'd try taking a bus this time (it costs $5 to park and frankly, this act is much easier to do after a few adult beverages...don't drink and drive, kids), which immediately brought up a few issues:
1) What am I bringing and what's the best way to bring everything with me?
2) How 'done up' should I be?
3) How long is this going to take?
4) Where am I going to change before I take the bus back?

and here's how it went down:
1) I brought a folding chair, a bucket with 'Zombie...proceed with caution' sign (for tips), rope (to 'tie' me to the chair...can't have a zombie running around loose), Lakeshore red finger paint (it's only 8 bucks for a huge jar and it crusts up real nice. 'Safe for clothes and skin!'), a small lantern (to attract attention as it got dark), my permit (never leave home without it), a small make-up bag (for touch-ups), 3 PBRs and a bar of dial soap, all loaded into a large wheeled suitcase.

2) I wore my outfit (crappy pair of tan Dickies, a white baggy t-shirt, black tank top, crappy old Chucks and my red plaid hooded jacket) and decided to do my face (crusty Elmer's glue veins and scabs accented with a Ben Nye bruise wheel) and rat my hair. I hid my face for the most part with the hood (I really didn't want any cause for confrontation on the bus...a couple bus people did see me and gave me a "shit, are the demons back? Does anyone else see this?" look, but that was about it) and I had my hair up in a bun.

3) I got on the bus at 4:45 and arrived at the Promenade at 5:20. Then I walked to my "private lounge" (the top floor of one of the parking structures...there was no one up there except for a couple having sex in a Land least, that's what the shadows and movement suggested to me...for reals...and they didn't seem to notice me, or if they did, they didn't seem to mind), set up my chair, had my beverages, 'fixed' my hair and made my way downstairs. I had my hood up and kept my face down and was given a good spot to start from one of the Promenade Managers (they're the people on the Promenade that look like they're going to give a tour at the San Diego Zoo...safari hats, polo shirts, that kinda thing). I taped my bucket to the chair, 'tied' myself to the chair and the chair to my suitcase, smeared myself with paint, flipped up the hood and started my 'shift' at 6:45. I stayed out until 9:30, had dinner at Cabo (some of their customers watched me perform and insisted on buying me dinner afterwards), got on the bus back at 10:30, and into a shower at home at 11:15.

4) I was very happy to have brought the dial soap and found the restroom at the base of one of the parking structures more than adequate.

Why it's not worth the effort:
1) The make-up takes about an hour to do, it's at least an hour and a half round trip to get there and back and after 4 times doing this, the most I've made is $10 an hour...sure, it's tax free and all, but it's still only $10 an hour.

2) Despite my best efforts (elbow pads, knee pads, stuffing my pockets with soft things) I get bruised the fuck up and I'd rather not look like a junkie (there's a pretty gnarly welt on my knee, a bruise on the back of my right hand, my left elbow is a bit swollen and I bruised my chin...this level of 'commitment' is nothing new...I've been 'going overboard' like this since I was a kid...I guess I'm just old school/Vaudeville, like that)

3) "NO TOUCHING!!!" ...people think it's okay to poke me, and it's not. It was just one dude this time that smacked me on the forehead and said "you're healed" (and yeah, the cops got him right away), but I do fear getting hit in the head...y'know, being a zombie and all.

...all that being said, here are some of the highlights:

1) The police (which come out of the shadows in an instant like Batman when the public fucks with street performers) are proud and determined to protect my right to zombie. There was an older woman who came up to me, just causing shit, and said:
"Are you doing this for yourself?" (pointing at my cash bucket....I just groaned and stayed in character)
"...because it SHOULD be going to Japan or anywhere else...this is disgusting...with everything going on in the world...just awful...people bring their children here and THIS is what you expose them to?!? I would rather see you having SEX than doing this...truly shameful..."

Oh, crazy lady...and yes, I stayed in character the entire time. About the children thing- yes, I know people bring their families to the Promenade, and yes, my act is bloody and not for everyone. I do not want to traumatize children, which is why I wear a hooded jacket. I'm VERY aware of who is coming past me and if I see a young kid coming, I flip the hood up and curl up into a pile and take a short break. I've never made a kid cry and I've never had a complaint from a parent.

After this angry lady talked to me, she went over and talked to Steve, another Promenade Manager and two of the Police officers who came to talk to me afterwards:

"Hey zombie! Was that lady giving you a hard time?" (Steve's seen the act before and he's cool about crouching down next to me so I can talk to him and still give the appearance of staying in character. I told him what she said and what I do to safeguard the kids and all)

"That's fine. Don't worry about it. You have every right to be here and I told her that. If she comes back, I'll take care of her. I just wanted to check in with you, make sure you're okay."

2) From a young lady Promenade Manager: "What kind of make-up do you use? You're a zombie, right? At first, when I saw you, I thought you were a freaker or something, but it's an act...that is so great."

3) From a mum with 2 young girls: "I had to come by and tell you how great this is. My girls asked if you were a nut and I said 'no, she's just very creative'."

4) A group of ladies took a picture with me and then sang the Cranberries song 'Zombie' to me.

5) When I noticed a dude coming down the path with his kid (one in a stroller, one walking next to him), I hid myself. The little girl walking with him...couldn't have been older than 6...was very curious:
"What's that, daddy?"
"Oh, that's just Santa Monica, honey. C'mon, let's go see the dinosaur fountain."

6) "Excuse me, my boyfriend and I...could you settle something for us? He thinks your a guy and I think you're a girl" (I stayed in character and turned my head towards my permit with my name on shirt was baggy and I was wearing Dickies and pretty gender neutral clothes, but I wasn't expecting that)

7) I took about 6 group shots with people and this time the teenagers were much better behaved.

8) When I was packing everything up, this dude name Phil came and talked to me. He'd been eating at Monsoon (if that gives you an idea of where I was on the Promenade), saw most of my act and had a bunch of questions: Why zombie? Are you doing this out of boredom or for attention? Are you an actress? Did you notice all the reactions I did? How much do you make? What else do you do? Is it worth it?

It was neat being asked all that. Like being on an episode of 'This American Life' that'll never air.

Monday, July 25, 2011


(I very much like...more on this later...and yes, I will be using the free time I have with my totally legit non-baby to blog about this further)

Ummm, excuse me, but when did people I know start having legitimate babies? Cause, let's be honest, up until recently most of these babies have definitely not been legit. I love you guys, but please stop because you're making me feel old. Yes I'm 27 and married, but all I really want to do is plan my next trip to Vegas! :)


I feel like a total ho-maw for the ads. I'm leavin' 'em up for one more day, then they're outta here. However, if anyone out there would like to give me a decent microphone to plug into my lappy, I'd like to get a good ol' fashioned podcast goin'.

My friend Matt's got one...I was on it a while back...


Have you ever been to Kenneth Hahn State Recreation Area? Just off of La Cienega, a lil' bit north of Jefferson? I like it there.

And by "I like it there", I mean, there are parts of it I like, and then there are parts of it that are reminder smacks: "LOOK!!! THIS IS LOS ANGELES!!!"

...that I dislike, unless I'm in a mood to snarkily appreciate irony.

It's free to get in during the week and it's a pretty sizable Area. There's a Japanese Garden, walking trails, a duck pond, a waterfall, a couple playgrounds, and at if you keep driving upwards, there's this MASSIVE grassy area with trees and such that I keep having fantasies about making Zombie flicks in. I believe at one point, that portion of the Area was used to do with water, and then that got all fucked up, so now it looks like a giant crater full of grass with a bike path rim.

Unfortunately, if you live North of Jefferson, as I do, there's no quick way to bike up there. The bit that SMACKS of Los Angeles is that Kenneth Hahn Rec Area is surrounded by highway speed traffic and oil drilling fields with but a thin (emaciated, at points) row of trees to "hide" them.

I'm sure they did a California's Gold episode about it.

Friday, July 22, 2011


There are ads on this blog because I am a sellout. Clicking on them is easier than writing me a check, but I will also accept a check.

As productive as I was today, there was still much I did not get to...and it's in one big pile...and I keep giving it the stink-eye; It is the snakes in the pet shop fire that is my life.